This isn't about going bald, but what the heck, let's start there, and the fact that these blog things force you to put a title on everything only adds to the frustration of what to call this.
I won't go into details about my life's problems. Nothing would irritate you more than if you're under the impression that my I think my problems trump yours (and I do want to touch on some of yours), but this is a trial. I'm really out of my comfort zone here. I am not the epitome of strong character. My flaws are visible to the point that I fear they will adversely affect my children's ability to tread life's choppy and white-capped waters.
I have always said I will go bald and / or gray gracefully, and I still hold to that but I'm going patchy, not bald, and patchy baldness from Alopecia isn't what I had in mind, and doesn't fall into my pre-conceived notions of what a gradually hairless experience would be like, so I don't think it counts. I used to have thick and badly-behaved locks - now I have thin and wispy badly-behaved locks. I'm considering (ONLY CONSIDERING) getting rid of it. Tammy will have the ultimate executive decision. She'll say it's mine but I know better.
I only mention this here as a thought and I only bring it up in the off chance I go through with it, so when people see me they won't think I'm going through chemo or something. I've spoken briefly with Tammy about it, and while she's not completely opposed to it, she'd rather I didn't, at least at this stage so it may not happen but it's out there. I'm open to suggestions.
What I actually want to do here is praise those of you of stronger character that I observe on a semi-regular basis. We all have issues but your strength and persistence make me do a double-take of my own moxie (or lack, thereof), and at the very least it gives me the desire to make better attempts to fix / improve my fortitude.
And these are all people that I know personally.
To the divorced / single mother. I know a few of you, but although we don't interact much beyond social media I see you move forward with purpose. Your children will gain strength from watching you (which they always do whether you like it or not). I question what my kids see when they look at me but I know sometimes I'm not particularly proud of my actions.
To those who espouse different belief / support systems and ideologies - while we may disagree on various things I admire your courage to stand up for what you believe in. Many times I lack the courage. I don't say this to be self deprecating, I say it to remind myself that I need more "Aroo!" in my inner Spartan. I'm just not entirely sure how to go about it.
To those who, like me, struggle with self confidence, I'm not only in that boat, I'm its captain. I'm pretty sure I'm also in some sort of royal circle of people who suffer in silence. For now I'll use "we" for those who relate. The rest of you can sympathize. "We" look around and see what seems to be "everybody else" having it all together and wonder what they do differently that makes them successful in the aspects of life that we struggle with. We suffer in silence because we don't want to bring attention to our shortcomings. We don't want to "know" that others who got it right will be talking about us and our failed attempts. It's easier to compare ourselves with others if they don't know we're doing it.
To those who are going back to train for a career because you need to supplement the income of your significant other. You are my hero. I fear that I'm getting too old to be very marketable so if you know how to bottle your courage, I'll buy some from you.
I sit here wondering how my wife puts up with me. I know it sounds cliche' but in my case it's true. I don't have any delusions about my GPA as a husband and father. My back pain, acquired about 3 1/2 years ago from sleeping on a mattress with the firmness of a wooden pallet, has caused some sleep deprivation which often makes me cranky. She's handled my mood swings beautifully and I applaud her for that. She's had to deal with my cycle of back pain => sleep deprivation => job worries => family concerns => general overall crankiness. I'm not anything close to an optimal level of........ well....... anything, really.
What I'm getting at here is that adulting is hard. My wife does the lion's share of it for us and God bless her for it. Nobody - least of all, me - wants me in charge of making grown-up decisions. I look at your lives and see better people than me. One lost a grandmother while another (last I heard) is in danger of losing their home. Yes, I lost my father last year, and it was traumatic but if I learned anything, it's to at least make the attempt at finding a silver lining. Dad was gone from us long before he died so his actual passing, while difficult, didn't have the punch that it might have otherwise.
On the upside, I think I have arrived as a parent because I got the "You are ruining my life!" outburst. If you've never gotten that then either you have perfect children who have never needed discipline (what's your secret?) or you haven't been a parent long enough.
Sure, there are things I want. I want a career, not just a job. I want more education that won't require jumping into a freshly raked, autumn leaf pile of new debt. I want children who don't suffer from either end of the spectrum from popularity (see also: snobbery) to ADHD / social anxiety. I want friends who live close enough that just going to a movie doesn't require major favors from spouses / significant others to be cashed in at a later, and likely very inconvenient date.
But mostly what I want is a better me. I'm open to suggestions.
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