So many thoughts....where to begin.

I'm not entirely sure where to start, how to transition, or how to finish.  I'll give it a shot.  Here goes.

 Aside from those with the obvious mental illness, all of us, whether consciously or not, live life according to how we think it should be lived under our own set of circumstances.  I think most of it comes from a need for validation.  Some like it more than others and the school of thought that negative attention is better than no attention holds some weight.  They'd rather have people upset at them than be ignored completely.

I have a crippling desire to be liked by everyone I associate with but I know that's not possible so I decided I'd let people know where I stand and let the chips fall where they may.  If I can't stand up for myself and my beliefs now I'm not going to have a prayer later.

To illustrate;  I’m straight, white, I am a member of the LDS faith, a BYU Cougar football fan (more on the LDS and Cougar things later), and I don’t really dig controversy or conflict so I’m quiet about it.  I’d like to think I’m a likable person but my particular set of demographics lead some to think I’m a closed-minded a-hole with blinders on.  I've been digitally blocked and / or un-friended by some because they believe that.  If any of you are reading this you know who you are.  I may not agree with everything you have to say but why should that mean we can’t be friends?  I know we disagree on stuff but it’s not so much what you say as how you say it.  Try a little less volatility.

Before I go any further I need to offer heartfelt condolences to those whose lives were forever changed in the ill-fated Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre.  Our fragile psyches have been put in the cross-hairs of yet another psychopath.  A prayer (or a moment of silence if you're not religious) would not be inappropriate if you've not already observed one.  I don't usually wax religious but recently I've felt my central nature was under attack (especially after recent tragic events) and I needed to say something.  

I'm not doing this to start a heated debate.  I'm not trying to use this forum to spew bitter diatribes against anybody.   My opinions are just that, opinions, and are not meant to offend.  I'm simply letting you know who I am, and why I believe (and therefore, act) the way I do.  I apologize if any of it comes across as caustic.  If it does just chalk it up to venting after a pretty stressful day.  In addition to the news of the shooting I also heard that my internship (along with the possibility of a pretty good future job) was a no-go and my father-in-law is facing risky surgery.  These are comparably small problems to be sure but they don't relieve the stress either.

According to the Washington Post, the 12 deadliest shootings in U.S. history date back to 1949.  Sadly, mass murder is nothing new, only the efficiency of the weapons has changed.  I've listed the six that I remember best from earliest to most recent.

1.  April 20, 1999 - Columbine High School (Columbine, CO)

13 dead + 2 shooters -- one assault pistol, one assault rifle, two shotguns

2.  April 16, 2007 - Virginia Tech campus (Blacksburg, VA)

32 dead + shooter - two handguns

3.  April 3, 2009 - Immigration services center (Binghamton, NY)

13 dead + shooter - two handguns

4.  November 5, 2009 - Soldier Readiness Processing Center (Ft. Hood, TX)

13 dead - three handguns

5.  July 20, 2012 - movie theater (Aurora, CO)

12 dead - two handguns, one assault rifle, one shotgun

6.  December 14, 2012 - Sandy Hook Elementary (Newtown, CT)

26 dead + shooter - four handguns (recent reports say he also had an shotgun in his car, and had also recently tried to purchase a rifle (assault or hunting, I'm not sure))  NOTE:  I got these numbers relatively early on.  The reports have changed somewhat since this was written.

Six deadly shootings using 20 guns which left 113 dead obviously leaves people asking "why?".  I don't profess to know the answer to that age-old question but I have some thoughts that have helped me cope.

In relation to the shooting I'm lost.  I don't personally like guns.  I have a healthy respect (fear) of them and don't see myself becoming an enthusiast anytime soon.  Having said that, I'm not a 2nd Amendment basher.  The problem isn't necessarily about "bad guys" obtaining firearms.  Some of these crimes were committed with guns registered and purchased legally.  So what are we left with?  Do we arm the school faculty?  Do we execute people for crimes of this  magnitude without a speedy trial?  (I admit that last idea has some attraction for me.)  Obviously there are no clear answers or we'd have found them by now.  With this type of evil in the world it's even more important that we love each other as best we can.  It's not possible to solve evil with hatred.

First and foremost, I do believe in God, (not in a Westboro Baptist kind of way).  As I mentioned before I'm a member of the LDS faith and I do believe in life after death.  Some of my atheist acquaintances may call me foolish (or something similar in more derogatory terms) but I call it faith and I HAVE to believe that the fallen (especially the children) are in a better place. 

If you want to call it a crutch go right ahead.  I'd rather have a crutch to lean on then walk on a bloody stump with no hope of recovery.  I call upon academia to give me a better way to deal with incredible heartache and grief.  I can't imagine a more miserable existence than to just be waiting in line to have my (and my loved ones) ticket(s) punched by the tall dude in long black robes wielding a scythe.

Some assume that if there is a deity, he is petty.  In the words of heavy-hitting atheist Richard Dawkins;

"The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully." 

As with any parent, I believe that our Heavenly Father weeps at our extremely poor choices but if he interfered with every bad decision we made there would be no growth.  Granted, there are some really bad choices being made by mankind but if I'm going to believe in a perfect form of justice and mercy I also have to believe in the free agency we all have.  We can only choose our actions, we don't get to choose the consequences of them.  I don't know it all but there IS a bigger picture.

Mr. Dawkins also asserts:

"If you agree that, in the absence of God, you would 'commit robbery, rape, and murder,' you reveal yourself as an immoral person...If, on the other hand, you admit that you would continue to be a good person even when not under divine surveillance, you have fatally undermined your claim that god is necessary for us to be good"

Incidentally, he has a website: its slogan is "A clear-thinking oasis".

I think Mr. Dawkins has missed the mark by an incredibly large margin.  According to him you're only good for one of two reasons.  I respectfully disagree.

I consider myself a good person.  I know right from wrong but I believe my faith allows me to become better.  Believing you're a good person isn't enough.  You have to practice what you preach, and being a good person doesn't mean you reach a certain point and stop.  When you stop you become stagnant, and in some cases you regress.  My religion allows me that progression. This isn't to say that non-religious people are "bad".  My point is that religion isn't either.

Lest anyone think I'm preaching from a pedestal, I do not, and never have claimed to be better than anyone else.  Most times when I try to be a better person I fail miserably but I take comfort in the fact that I am trying.

If Mr. Dawkins met me and thought I was a nice (and relatively intelligent) person, would he later change his mind about me if he found out I was a (*gasp!) believer?  That seems incredibly petty to me but it wouldn't be the first time.  People of faith (or at least those who dared to question Darwinist assumptions) have been left out of intellectual discourse.  They include:

Evolutionary biologist Richard Sternberg (sandbagged at the Smithsonian).

Biology professor Caroline Crocker (drummed out of George Mason University).

Astrophysicist Guillermo Gonzalez (blackballed at Iowa State University).

I'm also aware that there have been numerous atrocities committed in the name of religion but zealots, extremists, and fanatics don't count.  Please don't lump every religious person into a category as somebody who rode in the Crusades of the Middle Ages.  Being an Atheist is okay, just don't attack good religious folk for not being one.

Back to the BYU thing, I’m a quiet Cougar football fan.  I don’t live and die by the team or its accomplishments but I silently cheer for them against Utah.  There are multiple reasons for this but the main one is that there are several Ute fans in my neighborhood that are teetering on the verge of becoming pompous blowhards.  I have nothing against the University of Utah, I just enjoy the quiet somberness that follows a Cougar victory, not the year-long testosterone fest if it goes the other way.  I also had a bad experience at a rivalry game with some Ute fans when I was about 8 or 9 and it stuck with me.  I understand that Ute fans have probably had similar bad experiences with Cougar fans and I don’t aim to discount them.  I only know what happened to me.

Not counting facebook friends, I could list the people I could realistically hang out with unplugged, and sadly, it wouldn't be that long of a list.  Of those people I can only remember one whom I've recently spent any amount of quality time with in the last six months.  I know life happens and it’s not someone else’s responsibility to make contact but I've tried interacting digitally in hopes of starting a dialogue with no result.

One of my (possibly future former) hobbies is as a nerd who plays dress-up sometimes but I seem to have fallen out of favor with some in even that circle.  I am making the assumption that my age has something to do with it.  The older you get the less likeable and fun to you are to hang with (anybody wanna buy Magmatrooper armor?).  I like validation.  So do all of you.  If you need proof, you’re reading this (whether you’re enjoying it or not) because you stumbled onto a link while visiting a social networking site.  Why are you on a social networking site?

I know I've said I've seriously contemplated leaving facebook before but I always seem to come back.  You'd think I would have the adequate impetus to leave but I can't seem to break the addiction.  It has become a digital form of "hanging out".  There are too many people that I'd be sad to leave, and I think I may view it as too inconvenient.  I’m trying to go back to school in the near future so (insert sarcasm) maybe it’s best if I don’t have the distraction of being social (end sarcasm).  I’ll find another way to seek validation.   

People I used to be really close to don’t talk to me much anymore.  I suppose they could just be busy but it feels a bit like when you can see the writing on the wall right before you get dumped by your girlfriend (believe me, I know what I’m talking about).  It’s that feeling that you’d love for things to be better but don’t see it happening.

I've also been seeing lots more contention online than I’m comfortable with and certain people are becoming colossal a**-hats.  This isn't a plea for comments or for people to ask to remain my friend.  I refuse to ask you all do my digital house-cleaning by asking you to like my status or send me a pm to remain on an unimportant list.  I don’t disagree with anybody that uses this option, I’m just saying it’s really not my style.  I won’t discourage anybody from sending a message, I just don’t think it’ll happen.  I’m not that popular.

I don’t expect tons of comments or even a large following, I don’t use blog hits to make a living – if I did I’d have to be a much better writer or I’d be in serious trouble… but it’s nice to know that a few people enjoy(ed) reading it.