Roget's Thesaurus 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus.  Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding in imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St.  Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.  My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noticing thereupon that the lunar brilliance without reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.  With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen -- "Now Dasher, now Dancer...et al.  -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the thirty-two cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved, with utmost celerity and via a downward leap, entry by way of the smoke passage.  He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the the ebony residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof.  His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillate with reflected luminosity, while his sub-maxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability.  The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albien's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.  His amusing sub and subralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop-knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking-piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.  His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impersonated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.  He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multi-genarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being.  By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and without dispatch, he commenced filling the afore-mentioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his afore-mentioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his afore-mentioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.  Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.

He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed.  But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that selfsame assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn!"

Happy Holidays everybody!

-LG

Don't you just love hindsight?

I started thinking that I should post a blog once a month but then I realized a few things.  First of all, nobody really reads this, and secondly, only authors and researchers are on a contractual deadline to write anywhere close to something like that.  So I've come to the realization that this is more for me.  If any of you read this and get any joy out of it, well then.....that's just a bonus.

I am still with the Alpine Garrison.  I've been a part of it for about two years now, and I've been an official member of the 501st since April of this year.  Even if I decided to quit I'd be a member of record for probably another year but I can't see myself doing that.  It's where all my closest friends are.  The friends I used to be the most tight with have either moved or drifted away.  I still see a few of them from time to time but it's not often. 

I got off track though.  It's a hobby that allows me to be the kid I never wanted to let go of when I reached adulthood.  I'm not even sure what the term "adulthood" means other than in the legal sense where you can purchase things that aren't good for you, and vote people into political office that aren't good for you either. 

But I digress....again.  I am able to entertain kids the way I wish I could have been entertained when I was growing up.  Don't get me wrong, I had an excellent childhood and I don't suffer from any post-traumatic childhood stress.  They were just different times.  Granted, most kids don't know what a Magmatrooper is, but if I throw a Santa hat on it I instantly morph into a Christmastrooper, and that's not too bad either.  I'm getting a classic white stormtrooper, but for now I'm taking advantage of the season and donning the red whenever possible.  I'm sure I could find a way to fit it into Halloween and the 4th of July too if I really needed to.  I'm sure the costume has its limitations but I'm having fun exploring them.


As with any club of size there are bound to be disagreements.  Recently some things were said that probably should have gone un-voiced but by the same token I'd like to believe that nobody intended to offend.  I think it takes a real *insert derogatory term of choice here* to intend to hurt.  I wish hindsight was a more complete learning experience for everybody, but there you go.  I feel fine about things now but there are others still struggling.  I wish them the best.

If this seems too long for you to want to read, then don't.  Remember the part where I said this was more for me?  Seriously though, sometimes it just makes me feel better.  I keep a journal but that's stuff I keep to myself.  This is stuff I don't care about others reading.  To those of you who for some reason want to get to know me I say this....

I am who I am, faults and all.  My viewpoints may be different than yours but we can still be friends.  We can have discussions about pretty much anything.  I can talk calmly about politics and religion, can you?  I don't mind you trying to change me as long as you don't get upset when it doesn't work.  I will tell you if I disagree with you and I'll tell you why, and I'll do it nicely.  I hope you will extend me the same courtesy.

To those of you who know me, you knew this already, but it feels good to say it anyway.  I also feel I should apologize to you all.  I have complained a lot as of late and speaking from experience I know it's no fun to be around someone who's constantly down, so I made a list of things to help remind me that I am blessed.

I'm unemployed and my parents suffer with various health issues but I have a roof over my head, a wife that loves me.  I have food to eat and I get financial aid from my parents when I'm in serious need of it.  My kids are rotten many times but they will then blow me away with their sweetness.  My wife lets me troop because she knows it makes me happy and I have great friends that invite me to hang out with them even though I can't pay for my own food.  I have a cousin (once removed) I've never met who is one of my best fb friends and I look forward to meeting her someday.

-LG 

Does walking really do any good?

So on Saturday, September 18th I attended a walk / fundraiser for a cure for Alzheimer's.  This was another event I got to go as a member of the Alpine Garrison.  The Star Wars Universe is not dying anytime soon...but I digress. 

I love the opportunities I get to help out with multiple charities as a character that kids wow over, but I gotta admit that I brought my C game to this one.  It had nothing to do with the event itself, I was just trying to negotiate the emotional mine field of the reason I was there, and the fact that my father suffers from Alzheimer's.  I won't go into detail because I've discussed that in a previous entry, but it was hard for me to get excited about a photo booth fundraiser today.  I even walked a lap in honor of my father, but the question kept coming back to me, "Does walking really do any good"?  It's a rhetorical question, I know.  Don't judge me. I'm a bit frazzled.

I know there are new theories and tests being developed all the time, and I don't mean to minimize the efforts of science, but I'm hard pressed to see any light at the end of this tunnel.  Name one other disease that forces you to lose loved ones twice.  First it takes their mind, but after that you're not sure if you want them to live or die.  I know it sounds morbid but I honestly can't think of a better way to describe it.  If any of you have experienced watching a loved one submit to this, please tell me this is a normal thought process or I'm going to feel even worse.

Did I mention I'm frazzled?  I'm going through this (along with other *stuff*), friends are going through stuff, and I want all the stuff to leave us all alone for a while.

-LG

Origin of the Lobster Girl nickname.

I don't suppose too many people care about how I got my nickname "Lobster Girl", but I promised I'd give it up.  The caveat is that I'll give both versions:  The story people like to tell, and what actually happened.  I won't say which is which.  It'll be up to you to decide which version you decide to go with.

I am a Star Wars cosplayer.  Geeky as it may sound it's a lot of fun to play the bad guy in a stormtrooper / Magmatrooper / Jango Fett costume.  No, I don't wear it around the house or while doing yardwork or whatever (unless I'm trying to win a photo contest, but that's another matter entirely).  I wear it to charity events for multiple causes like disease research (Cancer, Diabetes, Downs Syndrome, Autism), charitable organizations like Make-A-Wish, Toys-4-Tots.  Soon I'll be wearing it to an event at a deaf center to help raise money for a new playground.

Anyway, I was at a friends house (we'll call him Dude for now.......I don't know why) doing some research on how to build a costume.  I was logged into my chat room from his computer.  Dude brought over some Kool-Aid which was apparently spiked because I started typing "I want to be a lobster girl" and various other lobster-related phrases in the chat room.  How I managed to type so coherently and with perfect spelling is beyond me. There's got to be a market for a drug like that somewhere.  Anyway, since then all those that were in the chat room that night dubbed me Lobster Girl, and they have told all their friends so that nickname, whether I want it or not, has been super-glued, epoxied, bolted, and riveted into place.  Most people still just call me Splat, but "Splat, the Lobster Girl" is what they're thinking.

The other version isn't quite as much fun.  I simply left the keyboard I was using for a minute (while still logged in to the chat room) and Dude came over and typed all that stuff under my username.  Yeah, I'd probably tell the first version too.

Interestingly enough.  I had the "Lobster Girl" tag before I got red stormtrooper armor.  Now the name is mine for as long as I know these people whether I like them or not.  To be fair though, I've embraced it because there are certain advantages.  For one, I get noticed a lot more then the classic white stormtroopers when I go to events.  I get called the Love Trooper because I get pictures with lots of pretty girls, and who knows what possibilities are waiting for winning U of U tickets (to anything) or something Valentine's Day related.

-LG

P.S.  I couldn't find a picture of a lobster that looked decidedly female without being slightly pornographic, so for now I'm going with this one.

I held off as long as I could.

So I kept putting off doing a blog of my own for multiple reasons.
First and foremost, I'm old.  I'm always late to anything resembling a technological advance, or at least anything that used to be done in what my generation would dub "the hard way".

Secondly, I wasn't sure how I'd feel about sharing stuff online to anybody weird enough to follow postings by somebody who calls themselves "Lobster Girl".  I don't have to get too personal though. (duh for me)

Third, and most importantly.........I honestly don't know.  There was just something enticing about it.  I'm not one to follow trends.  Most of the time I'm proud to shun them, but for some reason I was drawn to this.  This is one way I can share things (frustrations, successes, happiness, misery, etc....you get the idea) with other people without it being facebook.  I think part of it is that I'll take a little more time to write something coherent.  I've re-read some of my past journal entries and I think to myself, "I sound like a friggin' idiot".

I think I'll blog off for now in the hopes that I'll figure out how to do this better as I go along.  More about the "Lobster Girl" thing in the next one.

-LG